


Believe in Me (the way that I believe in you)

by GlitteringKitten



Category: Glee
Genre: Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-14
Updated: 2012-10-14
Packaged: 2017-11-16 07:13:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/536862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitteringKitten/pseuds/GlitteringKitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine might not realize what it takes to make a perfect relationship. But Kurt does. Or at least, he thinks he does. (Set in series 2, set vaguely after Born This Way and before Prom Queen - mostly au from the series though.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Believe in Me (the way that I believe in you)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little bleak, it has Kurt dealing with a - not eating disorder, exactly, but an obsession with perfection. But I don't go into immense detail, so I wouldn't say it was too dark.

There was a compulsion about the entire situation. He’d never meant it to be like this; he’d never wanted to become _that_ person. He’d always enjoyed fashion; he’d always loved the way a pair of tight jeans could clutch at his skin, pronounce his body as perfect.

But then, he’d never had to _be_ perfect for anyone before. He knew Blaine didn’t expect it - he knew Blaine would have no idea. Because Blaine, bless him, was oblivious to these things. In fact, the more Kurt thought about it, the more he realized Blaine was a little oblivious about a lot of things. But that was okay, because that meant he had leeway. So when they’d agreed to go out, Kurt knew it was down to him to keep everything _perfect_. Because it was going to get messy. It was going to get awkward; as if it wasn’t bad enough that Blaine knew a lot more about sex than he did - putting that kind of thing into action was going to be terrifying. But Blaine would probably go with the flow, not be concerned and not worry about it - which meant it was down to him to make sure it was wonderful.

Which meant making sure neither of them looked awful naked.

He was already aware that Blaine had nothing to worry about there; he’d seen him coming out of the showers at Dalton several times before he’d left - after all, Blaine enjoyed sports, and Kurt enjoyed watching him and cheering him on. It was no surprise to him that Blaine’s body was nothing short of... beautiful.

So he just had to match that. The expectations he had for his own body were nothing short of miraculous. He knew he couldn’t have the abs of Mike, or the upper strength of Sam - but he couldn’t leave his body to become loose like Finn’s either. He knew he’d started to eat more since leaving the Cheerios, had a few extra pizzas at Dalton because he was mourning the loss of his friends - so it was no surprise that he’d begun to add a few pounds on here and there. Only a few. But a few was still a few too many. He wanted to be perfect for Blaine, wanted Blaine to run his fingers down his body and press hard against the gentle tone that was to be there.

Working out wasn’t exactly his thing. Dancing, he could manage. So he did that. Religiously, after practice, after spending time with Blaine (generally in a coffee shop - which didn’t help the situation at all, because every time his boyfriend suggested sharing a cookie, how could he possibly refuse; especially when he stared imploringly at him with those puppy eyes?) he’d dance for two hours straight, until sweat was beginning to stain the towel he’d placed on the carpet and his dad was beginning to tire of the same music playing on repeat. In those moments, he wished he lived in the basement again - where nobody could be annoyed at Beyoncé, or tell him that Gaga was better served in small doses.

And he ate less fatty foods. When everyone was having pizza, he’d opt for a salad. Carole was, at first, enthusiastic about this - thinking they could diet together, be aware of what they were eating and keep track of their more slim lined figures in a bonding way. But then she got distracted by some drama of Finn’s, forgot the entire situation and opted to just eat more healthily on the odd occasion. Which Kurt understood; he was never patronising about this - he knew Carole already had perfection, she had his dad. She didn’t need to worry about things like that; she was lovely just the way she was.

But Kurt wasn’t, in his eyes, quite right yet. He still had a few extra layers of fat that just needed to disappear. Because when Blaine pulled him aside one evening, after a particularly awful French film that Rachel had recommended, to make out, all Kurt could think about was how he could feel Blaine’s fingers moulding into his flesh through his jeans, squeezing his ass because there was so much to grab. He quickly broke off the making out, smiling, and told Blaine he had to go because McKinley’s drama was starting early tomorrow; Finn had warned him that Quinn was planning on slushie-ing Rachel. He wanted to be there to offer support, and take advantage of the situation to secretly get Rachel to wear something vaguely less disturbing. Blaine accepted the explanation with a soft smile and a laugh, giving him a kiss and grabbing his ass one more time before they parted.

He stepped the work-outs up a notch; even asked Sue Sylvester for some tips on burning off excess pounds on certain areas of the body. He claimed the tips were for Mercedes, because when he started to ask the question, her eyes had narrowed and she’d started to point out how he couldn’t lose weight off his cheeks without surgery. Relenting, she’d given him a few “easy” exercises to do at home, because apparently “Nobody wants to see a bowl of chocolate pudding running around the field, however tasty it might look.” The insult had been incredibly close to Kurt’s personal tolerance level, but he knew he couldn’t push the matter without her getting in his face. So he’d nodded and walked away. Much to his surprise (although, why he was surprised was a mystery - this was Sue Sylvester after all) the allegedly “easy” exercises were almost as time consuming as the dancing. So he cut an hour of dancing out, to take up two hours of exercise in the evenings. After that, he’d work solidly on his homework, run through his moisturising technique and then fall asleep around midnight.

It still, it seemed, wasn’t enough. He was toning up well, there was no doubt about it; his tops were beginning to form different shapes around his body, and he felt healthier. But when Blaine took him out for a meal, and then took him back to the car to make out after; he found that actually, he still had those extra layers. Blaine’s hands still gripped hold of his ass like it was a lifeline, and when he rubbed his thumbs over Kurt’s hips, dug them in as he tried to manoeuvre the buckle of his jeans - Kurt could feel the layers of flesh dipping under the pressure. There was no bone there; it was still all fat. He quickly set an end to the situation, claiming “too much”, that he wasn’t sure he could do that yet - shyly avoiding Blaine’s eyes. Blaine backed off immediately, gave him the softest of kisses and stroked his hair, a look of confusion on his face as he rested his hands on Kurt’s hips. Kurt repaid him with a loving kiss, touching his cheek and reassuring him as much as he could, before moving into the front of the car and getting ready to drive them home.

The work-outs increased by half an hour. He cut down on the salads he was eating at lunch - not that he minded, after all, what was the point of eating them if they were just going to bring extra flesh to his body? School work still remained a priority, but suddenly, he was finding he had less time for things. He couldn’t get everything he wanted done, and so when Blaine asked him for coffee after school, he requested to have it another time; because as much as he wanted to spend time with Blaine - he was falling behind. He knew Blaine would understand. He was a very understanding boy. Besides, it meant that when they did go out, he’d have had a chance to miss him properly, Kurt reasoned.

With the extra time after school - two extra hours, now he wasn’t seeing Blaine, he could easily fit in some more exercises - and the school work, of course. So he did. He’d still text Blaine, when he got the chance, because he still wanted him - still missed him. And then he’d arrange outings for the weekend. The weekends were good because it meant more time to spend with his boyfriend, rather than just two hours a night, Kurt rationalized. It would be better for them both that way. Except, Kurt realized, when he saw Blaine that first weekend, that maybe it was a much worse idea. Because Blaine became _very_ touchy-feel-y when he hadn’t seen him all week, which merely accented to Kurt how much work he still had to do.

The second weekend, Kurt cancelled on Blaine to work out a little harder. It was, after all, nearly Prom, and he wanted Prom night to be the night that... they went a little further. He was going to look wonderful for Blaine. Wasn’t that the point? To be perfect for them both, to have the perfect relationship. Kurt smiled every time he thought of it, working out in his room. To imagine Blaine looking down on him with a smile on his face, enjoying what he looked like, rather than being horrified. It was the best idea in the world.

When Kurt saw Blaine again, it was a week before the Prom. He’d called him a few times, reassured him that the work load was decreasing, that he still wanted to go to Prom with him, that he was excited - and that they should meet up to work out what they would be wearing, but he’d felt Blaine was a little hesitant. Which made him panic. He hadn’t made all the effort to look perfect only to find Blaine was no longer interested. Immediately, he set up a date for them, to reassure himself that there was nothing wrong between them. They’d agreed to go to the cinema, knowing full well that they both would enjoy it - regardless of whether they were going as a date or just as friends.

Meeting outside the cinema had been Kurt’s idea; mostly so he could walk in with Blaine, have the date _be_ a date - he could barely remember their last official date, now, and that made him slightly anxious about it all. When he saw Blaine arrive, his heart skipped a little, then fell when he saw the slightly confused look on Blaine’s face. He smiled winningly, pulled the other boy into a hug and kissed him gently on the lips. Blaine barely reacted, except to step back and look at him thoroughly.

“Kurt-” His voice was awkward, as if he didn’t want to say any more. Kurt’s heart dropped, recognizing the look he’d dreamt of for days - the look of horror that meant Blaine had finally realized _what_ he was dating. The imperfection hadn’t been masked by his work-outs at all.

“What?”

“You’re... so - ” The words stopped in his mouth, and he met Kurt’s eyes, sadness echoing through them. Kurt could barely take it any more and looked away, not quite managing to hide the tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

“Blaine - I tried so hard -” He raised a hand to his mouth, trying to stop the sob that was about to break out, “I just wanted - I was trying, I really...”

“Trying?” Blaine stepped a little closer, taking hold of his hand and pulling it down, meeting his eyes, “Trying to disappear?”

“What?” Anger mixed with confusion across his face, “No, trying to be perfect for you. So - when we- if we got that far-” The words were snappy, all of Kurt’s defence mechanisms biting hard from his failure. “I wanted to make sure you’d never look at me like that. But obviously I failed. I’m sorry.”

“Kurt, have... have you been starving yourself?” Blaine looked physically sick, his hand gripping Kurt’s wrist tightly, “For me? What for? Did something I say-”

“You - I just-” Kurt shook his head, attempting, but failing, to shake Blaine away. “Obviously you find it hard to get close to me with all that extra fat in the way, so I thought I’d tone it up, lose the weight - you kept grabbing my ass! “

“Because I love your ass, Kurt. It’s sexy, it’s ridiculously hot and -” The horror still hadn’t quite left Blaine’s face, but understanding began to dawn, “I really, _really_ love your ass, Kurt. I was only gripping it so hard because I love the feel of it between my fingers - nothing else.”

“Blaine, you don’t need to lie to me, we’re meant to be honest with each other. We promised to tell each other the truth, regardless.” Kurt felt the grip on his hand tighten again, surprised by the sudden force that Blaine used to pull him towards a glass window of a shop nearby.

“I _am_ being honest Kurt. And... you look thin. You look terrifyingly thin. I almost didn’t recognize you. Jeez, I thought - when you kept blowing me off, that maybe you’d got bored of me, or that maybe I’d moved too fast for you and scared you off - but never once did I think that you’d be putting me off because-” He shook his head, letting go of Kurt’s hand to grip him by the shoulders. He winced at how tiny they seemed in his hands, staring at the reflected image of them both in the window. “I adore you Kurt, but I don’t want you to ‘be perfect’ if this is what it entails. I could tell you that you’re already perfect - that you _were_ already perfect, but if you were, I’d never have deserved you. You might not have been ‘perfect’ but then neither am I. I’m nowhere near it, and I’m a little concerned that you think I am - because I can’t live up to that expectation.”

“You are perfect, Blaine.” Kurt whispered, eyes refusing to look up at the reflection before them. Blaine turned him around, meeting him straight on and taking hold of his chin, forcing him to look up.

“No, I’m _not_. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. Clearly, I made a big one here by not telling you how amazing you are, how much I care about you, and how attractive you are to me. I made one by telling you you weren’t sexy, that time. I made one by not realizing earlier how wonderful you are. Hell, I made one going on a date with Rachel. I make mistakes, Kurt, I’m _not_ perfect.” His voice softened, the grip on Kurt’s chin slowly loosening as he took a step back, running his other hand down Kurt’s hips.

“I’m sorry if you felt... like you needed to be more for me. I never felt that way, and if I’m honest, seeing you like this frightens me. I don’t want you to feel like you’re not enough for me. If anything, it should be the other way around. You are _gorgeous_ , Kurt. When I fell for you, in that moment, you were everything I wanted - and up until this point, you’ve been so much more than I deserve. But right now? This,” he gently ran his fingertips along the line of Kurt’s hip, “this is so much less than who you are.”

“Blaine; you don’t understand-” Kurt reached for his hand, trying and failing to push him away, “You’d never seen what was underneath all these layers; you just saw me-”

“No; I just saw _you_ , Kurt.” The interruption was determined; without question. “I saw this beautiful boy who I wanted to be with. And now, I see that beautiful boy in pain. Please don’t do this to yourself. I would want you regardless of how many size zero jeans you can fit into. I would even want you if you ended up the same size as... I don’t know, your friend Lauren.”

“She’d beat you if she heard you say that as a comparison,” Kurt murmured, voice slightly downcast, if not a little sarcastic.

“I don’t care. The point is, Kurt, if you turned up tomorrow looking like a balloon, I’d still see you as Kurt, the boy who moved me. The boy I never want to say goodbye to. The boy who has more courage in him than I ever had. The boy I love.” His voice trailed off, a flush over his cheeks appearing as he said the words. “Because I do. I love you.”

“Just the way I am?” Kurt raised an eyebrow, a small smile appearing on his face, despite the tears that had left trails down his cheeks. Blaine echoed the smile, nodding and reaching across to wipe them away.

“I think Billy Joel said it best,” he laughed, starting to hum. He began to sing the lyrics, softly, until Kurt put a hand over his mouth, joining him in a soft laugh.

“If you start serenading me with _Just the Way You Are_ outside this cinema, Blaine Anderson, I’m going to go to Prom with someone else.” But the look of relief on his face, with Blaine’s fingers reaching up to take his hand away, implied otherwise. For a moment, they just smiled at each other - broken, but beautiful smiles - and held hands; clinging to their understanding of each other. As Kurt started to lead them into the cinema, Blaine pulled back; a serious look on his face.

“Wait-”

“What?” Blaine hesitated at Kurt’s question, hand still linked with his, eyes settled on the sharp accent of his wrist.

“Are... are you going to -” he took a breath, deliberately forcing himself to say the words, “are you going to stop this now? I mean, do you need help? Have I … Did I create this problem for you, and are you going to be able to get over it? I mean, with me still around?”

Kurt took a step back towards him, looking at his DMs, rather than at Blaine’s face. For weeks, months nearly, he’d been set on being _perfect_. Could it be so simple to start eating properly again, would it even be possible to stop exercising that much? Wouldn’t he start being hideous all over again?

“Honestly? I don’t know. But... I’ll talk to someone, Blaine.” He paused, then added softly, “I don’t know if it’ll help. But I’ll do it for you.” A pained look came across Blaine’s face, and he shook his head.

“Don’t do it for me, Kurt. Do it for _you_.”

Kurt opened his mouth to reply, but found he had nothing to say. Hadn’t he been doing it for Blaine all along? Hadn’t - hadn’t he been forcing himself to be perfect for the other boy? But no. Blaine was right. He had never been doing it for Blaine. He’d been doing it for himself. Which meant he had to make it right _for himself_. Tightening his lips and shutting his eyes, Kurt nodded. He felt Blaine’s fingers squeeze his own gently, and gave him a weak smile. He might not have been perfect; but he knew, even in that moment, as unhealthy as he might have been - Blaine still loved him. With that thought in mind, they stepped towards the cinema together; to start what was going to be one of many imperfect dates. But when Blaine pressed his lips to Kurt’s during the film, Kurt began to realize that sometimes, the imperfect parts of their relationship made it just a little bit stronger. And that in itself, made the entire thing perfect in his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I totally recommend you all go and listen to Billy Joel's version of "Just The Way You Are" now and imagine Blaine singing it to Kurt.


End file.
